Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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