In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
