I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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