yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
