Define "chronic" masturbator.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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