just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
