The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
