new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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