Your mouth is God's brothel.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
