You smell like a Billy Joel song
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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