Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
