I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
