I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
