I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
