My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
