There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
