thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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