So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
