you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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