I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
