first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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