I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
