Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
