my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
