I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
