I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
