Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
