just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
