i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
