when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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