my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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