I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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