im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
