Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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