I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
