you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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