how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
