She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
