Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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