i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
