i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
