Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
