Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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