i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
