I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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