listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
