hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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