i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
