I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
