I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
