i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
