Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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