Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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