laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
