This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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